I meant to send this to you.
Hey there,
I'm not really sure why I'm writing this out, but it's probably because I know that you'll never actually sit around long enough for me to get all this out, and/or I won't have the actual courage to tell you all of this in person.
I've spent a long time thinking about our relationship, and myself being with you (and the implications of you staying with me). After a while, it just gets tedious, and I just stop thinking because honestly, my brain and my heart just end up wanting to hurl themselves off the nearest cliff just to make it stop. I guess the bottom line is that even after so much time spent with you and getting to know you, I don't actually know who you are. There are times when I know that you wouldn't do anything to ever hurt me, but it's gotten to a point where I just simply expect you to hurt me; I mentally brace myself for the next time I'll break down, or I'll go to you in a time of need, and you'll brush me aside. I go through each day just waiting for the next time that you'll blow up and decide that you don't want to be with me, and that the regrets have piled up much too high, and you want out. Frankly, I know it will; It's just a matter of when.
Is there honestly any reason for you to stay in this relationship? There are other girls who match your lifestyle, who will be there with you sitting next to you, laughing when smoking a joint. There are other girls who will give you the freedom you so crave, who won't ask to sleep with you at night, who won't whine and demand things from you. If your only reason to stay in this is because I will get hurt, then there's something terribly wrong with that. The simple answer should be that you want to stay with me. Not that "I" want to stay with "you".
I've become so weak after falling in love with you, and it seems that at ever corner, you belittle me for becoming weaker: you berate me for complaining, for clinging on to you, for refusing to face personal problems head on, hell, for even needing you. It was a huge thing for me to admit to you that I have problems with depressing thoughts and that I struggle with thoughts of loneliness, and you brushed it aside like it was nothing. I guess it takes a pretty face for you to acknowledge that cutting is a problem; you never seemed to realize that when I started cutting last year.
I've opened myself to you more than anyone I've ever done before, and that means showing you at my most vulnerable, in every sense of the word. You've seen the gamut of all my emotions, and it seems as if the more I show you of myself, the less and less you want to deal with it. Yes. I know my faults. I think I know them even a little better than you. And I try. I try so hard to work them out such that you never have to deal with it; so you can keep on dating the same girl you thought you first asked out in the beginning. And I'm sorry that you regret starting out this relationship so early; but you made me so happy when you asked me out. I'm sorry that you have such a huge regret over something that gave me so much happiness.
I'm not perfect, but it seems as if you want to train me like a dog to work harder, to be a better person. You don't need to use hurt to make me stronger; I can do that all on my own. You hurting me and breaking me each and every time I do something wrong just makes me weaker and cringe. I don't need you to coddle me; I'm stronger than that. I just need you not to kick me when I'm already down. I am so sorry for constantly relying on you though. I should not be using you as a sponge or a stressball for my every need. I haven't exactly been allowing myself to stand on my own two feet, and I know I am more than capable of handling it on my own. I just need to re-prove that to myself. I am sorry for this.
I'm terribly scared of your reaction to this email. At the end of the day, it really is that yes, I love you. It just hurts when you say things that makes me feel that you don't love me at all.
I need something to go off of to continue this, babe. I don't know where we're going anymore. I guess I need reassurance that you're as invested as I am, because I know if/when we cut ties, you will be far less hurt (if at all) than I will be.
I want this to work out.
Best,
Tiffany
