I'd like to apologize first off, because perhaps I simply am just a soulless, unemotional bitch.
It's become hard for me to dwell on events that might trigger even the slightest bit of emotional downpour. I realize this about myself: I can't bring myself to care and appreciate others quite much. I keep people around to satisfy my own selfish cravings, my own pleas to be remembered, to be kept around, to be trusted and appreciate. I don't want to be alone, yet I always am.
And that's why it was terrifying. I never felt such utter sadness before in my entire life. You know as well as I do (I hope) that I tried to rationalize it. I locked you away in a little box, and tried to analyze every future step that I could take. Used a bright pink highlighter and focused on the memories we shared, held a red knife to cut apart my heart and forced myself to read those emails, to see and remember all the ways that I could have done something, anything, to make your time here just a little bit smoother. I should have given you Kenny. You told me how you stole my date, where in all seriousness, you and I both knew that I stole his attention from you. I'm sorry.
But how could have I even have hoped to save you in the least when we both knew I showered the world with fake smiles and a bubbly personality that fooled almost everyone? Why didn't I just shelve my pride and talk about this with you? I have no love to give anyone. I don't know what love is, pbiggie. Everyone says that you had all this unconditional love to give everyone, and I admired that so much about you. You had tireless energy to reach out to everyone, to give the perfect greeting without losing your endless grace. And I'm sure you've seen be laugh and giggle and act like a fool to just make my audience crack a smile. And yet you weren't so worried about me. And I think the simple fact that you had faith in my strength gave me the chance to keep on walking forward. You knew exactly what I was, saw all my faults, and still believed that I could succeed, become an "expert at living". Your support was my strength. Is my strength.
