It's been a while folks.
A lot's changed since the last post on either blog. I reread some of the random tangents and thoughts, and my heart just aches.
Let's start this introspective cauterization, shall we?
It's funny because I always thought that after you ripped me apart, and broke me down into the tiniest, most insignificant pieces, I would rise up stronger than ever. And I admit, I went crazy for a little bit. In my head, my ideal self was the one I always aspired, deep down, to be freshman year. I guess in some sense, I chased you down the rabbit hole. You wanted the past; I didn't know where else to go but backwards. And I thought I healed. Maybe the only thing I did was slap a bright, all encompassing band-aid over the wound that you left in your wake. I tried to fill it in with all these new experiences, these new friends, these (re)new(ed) passions. And I truly did trick myself for a while.
It was so easy to hate you. You make it easy to hate you. You are such a failure in so many different ways, and I cackled to myself every time I heard how useless you were, and how much of a slump you fell into without me. When others blamed me for your fall, I crowed inside. When you started pining for me, saying everything I wished you had said earlier, it was easy to ignore you. I was caught up in my own melodrama, hiding from confrontation, and a relationship that seemed like it was shoved down my throat. Your words, your plight.. how could I have not started talking to you again? You said all the right things at all the right times. I wanted to believe you.
I blame my inhibitions for resurrecting...this. You quickly reverted back to the very person I hated: the self absorbed arrogant dish-head who "knew" that I would always love you, who "knew" that I would never leave you or cheat on you, who "knew" that getting back together was all I wanted. How much do I want to scream at you that none of this is the case at all? Is it true then? That you're embarrassed at how much you need me? How much you don't deserve me at all? How I make you a better person? It doesn't make sense in my head. Why is it so wrong to like me? Is it honestly because everyone (including yourself) expects it to happen? Is this scripted play too much to see to the end?
But all these questions I see now.. I still center them around you. The questions I should be asking are ones addressed to myself. Why do I still care? What am I hoping to get out of this? Is it true? Am I just holding on to the past, trying to find the person you used to be? I planned a fairy tale; am I just too prideful to see it all shatter in front of my eyes? What can you offer me? You do not make me a better person. There's nothing for you here in my life.
I know I'm stronger than this. I need to find my own answers for me, and truly follow my heart. I need to stop being so scared and insecure -- his bullying shouldn't affect me, if I'm truly self-confident in myself. I deserve better, and I shouldn't have to force myself into these positions. Moments of weakness can be overcome. I need faith in myself this time and to stop dwelling on the past.
I'm sorry, this was by far the worst piece of writing I've done in a while. But it needed to come out. I should add onto this post often.
--Also I should write more. I suck at writing now. This is terrible. And at communicating. When did I get so dumb?
Sigh. Where is my eloquence?
