You asked, "Have you ever said it before?"
I lied to your face
But only to a certain extent.
Truth be told, I forgot that I ever felt that way, the fact that I never said it out loud (to him) nonwithstanding. Everything surrounding those few months had been categorized into one small red, heather gray, and white package, and there's no room in my vague memory to remember that I was ecstatic about finally snagging the guy I'd been jumping into beds and staircases after. Through the endless fights and twinges of hurt emotions, where I found myself lacking of self confidence and bloated on inadequacy, it frankly hurt to remember it all, and the easiest defense was just to forget. Even now, I don't know how long we went out, if you can even call it that. It's sad that I need posts to chronicle my life.
Was that why I dived into you? I broke so many rules in lieu of excitement, adventure, and a challenge. I told everyone who would listen that I had no intention of falling for you; it was merely a game to see who could give in first, and I was pumped full of egoism and narcissism (because I crossed?). That day that we let out hurtful comments back home, I couldn't stop the waterfall of truth from spilling out, though I brushed it off and attributed ad lib to my words. But it was in fact, a game to me in the beginning. Your heart (love? sex? comfort?) wasn't something I was interested in; feeding my ego was the only prize I needed.
But as previous posts seem to suggest (because I just don't experience emotions strongly enough for my mind to warrant remembering them), I fell for you hard. Maybe it was the idea of the fairy-tale relationship, or just the fact that you never succumbed to any of the crazy stunts I manipulated or pulled, but you reeled me in so easily, I shudder to even think about it. I needed to get to know you, I needed to be the only one on your mind, I needed to be your support, and that scared me. I didn't want to associate your name with needs; my whole relationship with you was based off the idea that it wasn't necessary. Desire was a familiar temptation that I could deal with, but slowly, it wasn't about just sharing another drunken, mascara smeared, argument filled night with you. Very slowly, I found that there was more to you than the stoned, horny frat boy, and my curious (nosy) self just couldn't leave you alone.
At what point, where does obsession and infatuation turn into love? I dreamt about you incessantly for those few months, and it drove me insane. You were (are) always on my mind and it was something deeper than lust or attraction. And it started to hurt.
You made the point that where else could you find a girl who'd stand by through out it all. Ever since that day where I saw you grasping for straws, looking for someone to rescue you, cliche as it sounded in my head, I wanted to be yours. But ever since then, I feel like a burden, the blacked out drunk who needs their boyfriend to carry them down the street, ply them with water and rescue them from their own stupidty. I try to be a better girlfriend, student, overally person because of you. Isn't that love?
But the same applies to the other. I studied harder. I pursued passions. I applied to school that he might apply to. I wrapped everything around him. Was that obsession or love?
Looking back as hopefully a more mature individual (more jaded) I'd like to think that I didn't love him. But what's to say tht I love you now? The obstacles we've needed to overcome? The hours that I can spend laying languidly in your arms? Or just the sheer amount my heart hurts when you aren't there?
The entire point of this was just to examine the depth of my feelings for you. Will I tire of you? Will I be attracted to someone else's challenge and leave you behind? But worst of all I worry that you'll do the same to me (know you well screams my paranoid corner of my mind). You said that a good relationship has to be based on trust or good sex. Too bad I can't find in me to completely trust you. There's also only so much sex I can deal with.
I'm sorry I've had such a tumultous past. I'm glad you're so sure of my feelings regardless and it makes you love me more. I wish I could be as certain as you.
